Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
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