we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
