I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
