Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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