I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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