so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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