oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
