I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
