I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
