She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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