I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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