I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
