Your face is a jimmy john
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
