yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
