I met the friendliest cop last night
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
