I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
