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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
