I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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