Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
