Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
