Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
