I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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