I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
