I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
