hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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