so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
