I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
