I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
