I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
