You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
