I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
