Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
