im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
