I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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