i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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