I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
