Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
