What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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