I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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