He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
