Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
