Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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