OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
