I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
