Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
