I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
