but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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