nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
