Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
