I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
