Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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