I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
