Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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