I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
