it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
