the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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