Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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