you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
