Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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