There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
