Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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